Posted by: Beth | 2011/08/18

Week 2 – Recovering a Sense of Identity.

We are halfway through Week 2 now.  Did you identify with this chapter?  I definitely identified with self-doubt luring me into self-sabotage.   I know I’ve done that to myself countless times.  I’ll be doing something creative and I know deep in my heart that what I am doing is good, not just good, but sometimes actually great!  But then I hear my censor speak up and repeat the words of naysayers from my past; and then I self-doubt, and then I self-sabotage by giving up and not completing what I was doing. 

I am still finding the morning pages hard to write.  Being a “writer” I still find it hard not to just give an accounting of the day before.  When thoughts burst into the middle of the paragraph I’m writing, wanting to be written instead, my censor still shuts them down.   Having been betrayed by people close to me in the past and having had my private stuff gone through and made fun of, it’s very hard to just write whatever comes to mind.  My censor screams, “What if someone finds that?  They will think you felt that way all the time.  You will be portrayed as a kind of person you’re not.”  It’s very hard for me to let go and just let thoughts flow.   I loved it when Julia said “It is very important to understand that the time given to morning pages is time between you and God.”  Another issue Julia touched on – I still feel I “should” do something else instead.  I know we said we wouldn’t use “should” in this project. But I have a whole day of morning pages that were “I need to… and I need to… and I need to…”  literally for three pages.  That’s how much stuff I feel I need to be doing.  Yet I’m still plugging away at the morning pages regardless.

At least I dealt with the Crazymakers the last time I did this course.  I have a whole nuclear family of them!  I had started getting them out of my life before I started The Artist Way last year but kept on working on it once I started the book.  I am much happier with that problem out of my life.  Every once in awhile I wonder if I should try to reconcile being I forgave them long ago.  But then I remember what a Crazymaker is and how none of them think they did anything wrong and don’t think they need forgiven.  Naw, I am very happy with my life now.  I long ago stopped dancing to their tune and became real with myself.  Last time Crazymakers were a very real issue for me.  This time I can honestly say I think there’s only one potential on my horizon.  I don’t allow people to abuse me anymore.

Now Skepticism (or the secret doubt)…  is one I still struggle with.   Julia has me pinned with that one.  I’m working on the open-mindedness that the universe (God) will open doors for me and I’ve seen that it’s true; but it’s still hard to accept.  I still agree with Julia when she says,  “We still feel too much like frauds to handle some success.  When it comes, we want to go…. self-nurturance is very frightening for most of us.”  (And I know I use the word “still” too much!  LOL!)

The last section in this chapter is on Attention.    I still love the lessons from her grandmother; maybe more so because I never had a grandmother. “Survival lies in sanity, and sanity lies in paying attention.  Success or failure, the truth of a life really has little to do with its quality.  The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight.  The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention…  The reward for attention is always healing.”

She ends the chapter with ten Rules of the Road.  They are worth learning and remembering.  I liked this Chapter.  I thought it had a lot of valuable wisdom in it.  What did you think?  Did you get anything from the Chapter this week?

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Responses

  1. I am still reading Chapter Two. Will post more when I finish. Seems as though so much is going on that tries to interfer or is it I am letting it?


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