Posted by: Beth | 2011/09/19

Week 3 – Recovering a Sense of Power

Interesting that when I look back to last year when I did this study I snagged at Week 3 then too.   It took me two weeks to complete week three last time too.  It was a different time of year and yet I didn’t have time to read the Chapter; and I tried to continue writing morning pages and didn’t do real well at that either.  Makes me want to relook at the Chapter and see what I am really snagging on.  I don’t really remember anything specific in the Chapter raising a red flag so maybe it’s just the actual process of digging around in my thought processes that I’m snagging on.   If anything I think it would be the parental shame issue.  That was a biggie for me.  Where last year I still felt like I was right on track after I read the chapter, this year I didn’t have the emotions Julia predicted.  There weren’t any unaccustomed bursts of energy and sharp peaks of anger, joy, and grief.  I didn’t have any anger to use as a fuel.  But I agree that anger is a map that shows us where our boundaries are.  It shows us where we want to go; points the way.  Or perhaps even better shows us where we DON’T want to go.  I did learn the first time I did this study that anger is a loyal friend that tells us when we have been betrayed or when we have betrayed ourselves.  I agree that it will tell us that it is time to act in our own best interests.  It is action’s invitation.  And I learned to actually listen to mine.

Next she covers God and synchronicity aka serendipity.  I’ve always liked the word serendipity better.  I guess because it’s one of those words I looked up as a kid just because I liked the sound of it and didn’t know what it meant.  I don’t find answered prayers are scary.  I think last year I did, so that shows my growth.  Though I still agree with Julia Cameron when she says possibility is far more frightening than impossibility.  I’ve known for a long time I am more afraid of success than failing.  I was told for so many years by my parents that I would not succeed that that is an acceptable outcome.  If I do succeed than what will be expected of me?  What if I can’t deliver more than once?   By the measure of your faith so shall it be delivered to you.   All this also fits into a scientific book I am reading called The Field:  The Quest for the Secret Force of the Universe by Lynn McTaggart.  It’s not the kind of book I normally read so maybe it is synchronicity that I am reading it at all.  But it’s interesting what scientists have discovered about a force we are all able to tap into.  They’ve proven it exists.  I wish someone else I knew had read it as I’d love to have a serious conversation with someone about the book.  It underscores the principal – Never ask whether you can do something.  Say, instead, that you are doing it.  Then fasten your seat belt.  The most remarkable things follow.  I found this to be true with my quit smoking journey and I haven’t had a sickerette in more than twenty-six months now.  I’m finding it to be true with my Scentsy career.  I can’t tell you how I am succeeding when I have a hard time getting people to actually book parties but somehow I’m doing wonderfully at it. 

Next there is a section on shame and I took this next part from my entry last year because it hasn’t changed a bit!  “I definitely endured childhood shaming as I think many, if not most, people of my generation did.  This explains why the act of actually finishing a piece of art is fraught with internal shaming.  This whole section is very pertinent to my situation.   My needs for recognition were routinely dishonored teaching me that putting anything out for attention is a dangerous act.  I must learn to create my own safe environment and protect my artist child from shame.  I simply cannot allow the first negative thinking to take hold.  The antidote for shame is self-love and self-praise….  It is “God’s will” for us to be creative.”  I’m still very good at the detachment or numbing out; but how many years did I drag home the invisible bone?  Uh, that’d be about 48 years before I said no more and became true to myself.  Yeah, I was a slow learner on that one!  Now I realize it was my families’ loss when they decided they didn’t want anything to do with me when I became true to myself.  It definitely was not MY loss and if they don’t realize the loss they sustained… well, that just makes it all the sadder for them.  And happier for me because I don’t deal with their BS anymore.

There is a section on dealing with criticism and then an exercise to restore the person we abandoned – ourselves.  Wish I knew where the journal was I used last year when I answered the Detective Work questions and did the tasks in each chapter.  I’d like to see how they are different now.  But I’m not hunting for it.  I’m letting the process go forward on it’s own merit and maybe later I’ll dig up the old book and compare the differences and how I’ve already grown.  Then Julia talked about growth and it’s erratic movement; two steps forward, one step back.  It occurs in spurts and you will lie dormant at times.  Do not be discouraged, think of it as resting.  This explains this past week of wanting to move forward with this whole process but just not getting it done.  It was definitely a week of sluggishness.  Julia says to practice being kind to yourself in small, concrete ways…. If you do one nice thing a day for yourself, God will do two more.  Be alert for support and encouragement from unexpected quarters.  Be open to receiving gifts from odd channels.  Experiment with solitude.  Make a commitment to quiet time.  Several times a day ask yourself how YOU are feeling.  Listen to your answer.  Respond kindly…. baby yourself.  Yeah, I’m still working on that part.  🙂

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