Posted by: Beth | 2011/09/25

Week 4 – Recovering a Sense of Integrity

I finished up Week 4 today and here I am writing at the end of the week instead of the beginning of the week again.  I need to see if I can get that turned around.  I reviewed my notes from last time I did this chapter and I’m finding that I’m still having the same issue I had before.  I’m not doing very good at keeping a week to a “week”.  I think I did better with my morning pages and artist dates last time.  So I really need to step it up in those departments.  Having an easier time with the tasks this time around but I’ve actually (gasp!) moved beyond being a perfectionist and I’m perfectly happy with choosing half of them to do and getting them done.   I don’t even feel guilty anymore for not having the time to do them all.  That is MAJOR progress for me.  I can see the growth in myself although I didn’t finish the study last time and I’m struggling to keep up this time (even though I’m supposed to be leading the group!)  I’m so glad that I have understanding people that live lives as busy as mine is!

This time I’m finding that as I do my morning pages my real feelings, and my official feelings, those on the record for public display are really much more in tune with each other than they used to be a year and a half ago.  Once I got the toxic people out of my life I am who I am and I’m proud of who I am.  There are still some feelings of course that are not displayed just because there is no need to hurt someone’s feelings needlessly or because I’ve learned that just like what someone thinks of me doesn’t matter, what I think of others doesn’t matter to them either.  I guess that fits in with the clarifying perceptions and losing misconceptions Julia talks about. 

I don’t know that I have really hit any kriya, a Sanskrit word meaning a spiritual emergency or surrender yet this timeAlthough I recognized what it was and have experienced it in the past I’m not real sure I experienced it in the context of this study last time either.  But I fully expect that I will sooner or later in this progress.  

Julia says one of the clearest signals that something healthy is afoot is the impulse to weed out, sort through, and discard old clothes, papers, and belongings.  I’ve definitely been doing that for quite some time.   (Watching an episode of Hoarders will send me running to throw something away too though!  LOL!)  Julia is right; there has been tension and relief getting rid of some of the crap that just cluttered the house!  I am developing a real adversion to clutter lately!  I find myself getting really cranky now if clutter starts to build up in the living room after I have worked so hard to de-clutter it!  It’s really nice to be on the other side  of knowing there is another kind of change, slower and more subtle, accumulating daily whether you sense its presence or not.  I am a walking testiment to this change that has occurred gradually over the last year and a half.  She is right that I did not recognize the changes and shifts in my attitude as healing.  But I can look back now and see that a lot of healing HAS occurred.  

Dreams will become stronger and clearer, both by night and by day.  (This has been true again!)  You will find yourself remembering your nighttime dreams and by day, daydreams will catch your attention. Fantasy, of a benign and unexpected sort, will begin to crop up.  (I don’t know that it’s fantasy so much as me imagining what my wonderful future is going to be and bringing good things into my life by imagining them first.)  There may be bursts of spontaneous singing, dancing, running.  (Yep!)  You may find your candor unsettling.  Your tastes and judgments and personal identity, will begin to show through.  Yes, I am a totally different person than I was even a year ago.  I am happy inside my own skin, I love who I have become, and I really like myself!  Something my family would do their utmost to destroy so they are not given that opportunity anymore.  And I am really HAPPY! 

Now the big assignment this week was Reading Deprivation!  I did okay with it.  Not fantastic.  I still read my email.  I didn’t read before I went to bed.  I didn’t get on FB every day last week.  I didn’t have the TV on a lot.  But life was busy and I actually didn’t have time to miss it the way I would’ve in the past.  So all in all I would say this chapter showed me how very FAR I have come since I began working with this study last time.  This is a good thing!  It makes me excited to see where I will be another year from now.


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